So... What's Next?

Hi friends,

So obviously it’s been time since I updated this blog, I don’t even know why I still pay for my domain lol. It hasn’t even been on a writer’s block type beat. Honestly, things have been tough for a while and I have just been taking things a day at a time. My blog is very personal to what I’m usually going through and I haven't been in the mindspace to sit down and process everything I’ve been through in the past year. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it, it’s all I think about actually but there’s something about sitting down to write about it that really makes me deep the fact that I’ve been through the trenches lately. That was not a bad pun about the war, I promise. This day last year Russia invaded Ukraine, sometimes I still can’t believe how everything changed so abruptly.

I’ve never liked saying goodbyes. Something about them seems so final to me, like letting go or locking a door permanently. Even on a phone call or in texts I avoid it. It's funny because anytime I’ve actually needed to say goodbye I have almost always missed my opportunity. Case in point, leaving Ukraine in February, my friends and I are overly dramatic for no reason at all, anytime I left for holidays we’d hug each other and cry blood like we’re not going to see each other in a couple of months. In February when I left I genuinely thought my mum was overreacting by making me leave and I would be back in a week or two (I clearly didn’t learn my lesson from the first lockdown) so I didn’t really say goodbye to anyone. It still hurts that we didn’t get a proper goodbye and now we’ve all been scattered across different countries and continents.

Instead of celebrating passing KROK and officially being over halfway through my degree; I spent the last year living with the fear that the past four years of my blood, sweat and tears would amount to nothing. I’ve spent the past year constantly worrying over Ukraine and her people, every news alert till this day feels like heartbreak. I can’t fathom the horrors that have occurred over the past year. While I worried that I’d have to restart my degree from scratch, Ukraine and her people worried about making it to the next day. Leaving home to pursue my dream course isn’t something I’d regretted before although it really has not been easy. From the homesickness to the loneliness to the missing out on so many things in the lives of my friends and family yet I still carried on with it. It’s just six years, you’re almost there has been my mantra for the past couple of years and this heartbreaking war left not just mine but a lot of our futures uncertain.

The last few months have been so draining and it has been a constant battle to stay positive for many of us who fled Ukraine. Everyone has had to make hard choices. I really can’t comprehend how the Irish government left us in a limbo after giving the Irish Medical and Dentistry students that fled Ukraine false promises. Everyones' circumstances are different. Some people have dropped out or have decided to take time out, some people have been successful in transferring, some people are still students of their Ukrainian universities (academic mobility, online education and in some cases offline mode of study), some are attempting to return to Ukraine to sit their final exams and some people have made the very difficult decision to restart their medical education or switch courses completely.

People are constantly asking us so what’s next? I don’t think a lot of people get how traumatic this past year has been. I know people are curious but when you’re just holding onto yourself and taking things one day at a time, bringing up a situation that is clearly not resolved can come across as insensitive. A lot of us still don’t know what's next. We’ve been fighting for our futures and our dream courses for a year now. Despite the war, despite the mental strain and uncertainty of everything that has happened to us in the past year we still march on. It is a lot to cope with. The level of resilience we've had to build is insane. Everyone is trying to leave and it’s not like everyone will be able to leave. You asking “what’s next?”, does nothing but add to our collective anxiety. You don’t need to know so please, keep your questions to yourself (I’m not saying this to be rude, I’m saying this because we are all stressed and exhausted).

Ukraine became a home to me over the past couple of years and seeing it like this is a heartbreak I never expected to experience. I’ve never liked saying goodbyes but I really wish I had the chance to say goodbye properly this time :(

To all my fellow students that fled Ukraine, I hope you know you're not alone in these difficult times. Please do take care of yourselves and if any of you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to hit me up. My thoughts and prayers are constantly with the people of Ukraine. Slava Ukraini 🇺🇦